


Wedding

by Crockzilla



Series: Domesti-Kink with Spideypool [53]
Category: Deadpool - All Media Types, Marvel (Comics), Spider-Man - All Media Types
Genre: Bacon, Cyndi Lauper - Freeform, Humor, M/M, Wedding Fluff, clint is a great maid of honor, inappropriate wedding vows, johnny is a great best man, peter and wade have good friends, science fun, wade and peter are extra, wedding dress shopping
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-12-24
Updated: 2018-12-24
Packaged: 2019-09-26 08:50:00
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,348
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17138714
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Crockzilla/pseuds/Crockzilla
Summary: Everyone decides that Wade and Peter need to have a wedding.





	Wedding

**Author's Note:**

  * For [Monkeybarrel](https://archiveofourown.org/users/Monkeybarrel/gifts).



“Wow, this meat is heavy. Babe, can you help me with this meat?”

“Sure, Honeybunch, I’ll help you handle your meat.”

Tony lay his face on the kitchen table in despair as Wade and Peter snickered, oblivious to their guests.

“I don’t know what you expected when they invited us to Couples Bacon Night,” Pepper said as she filled a plastic bag with salt.

“How did you even end up with an entire side of pork belly?” Rhodey asked as he stuffed a large piece of raw meat into the bag Pepper handed him.

“I’m an idiot,” Peter answered at the same as Wade said, “He got confused!”

“We’re lucky we’re not butchering a live hog right now,” Sam said as he carefully poured water into the meat bag Rhodey handed him.

“Why did we let those two get married?” Tony mused as he did his job, which was placing a dated label on the outside of the bag.

“Are they married?” Pepper whispered, looking up at Peter and Wade, who were handling their meat together on the other side of the kitchen.

“How are they not married?” Rhodey whispered.

The two couples considered their friends, who were now squealing with dismay because Wade had gotten some pork fat on his face. Peter wiped it away with a kitchen towel as carefully as if it were a radioactive substance, and Wade collapsed gratefully into his arms.

“They need to get married,” Tony decided, crossing his arms. “If they’re going to put us all through things like Couples Bacon Night, we at least deserve a wedding.”

Sam nodded, sagely, sealing another bacon bag. “I’ll make a few calls.”

*~*~*

“When are you and Petey getting married?”

Wade looked up from the top-secret computer console they were dangling over to stare at Clint. “Quoi?”

“When are you getting married?” Clint asked again, maneuvering in his harness to insert a small drive into the computer’s port. “You’ve been together for, like, forever and you’re super domestic and gross already.

“So then why do we need to get married?” Wade asked as he told the computer to please put all of its secrets on the drive Clint had inserted.

“I don’t know,” Clint shrugged, which, because he was dangling almost upside down, looked really weird. “Because weddings are fun? So I can do the Maid of Honor thing?”

Wade cocked his head to the side. “I am a maid, DP,” Clint said, offended. “Technically.”

“No, of course, just, um,” Wade tried to be delicate, which was hard when all his blood was rushing to his head, “that’s how – you would like to identify? In our wedding?”

“Yeah!” Clint said, his enthusiasm causing him to swing in his harness. “I want to, like, pick the dress and make all the bridesmaids wear it and help you with the cake and flowers and your makeup and stuff. Unless – I mean, if you don’t want that –“

Wade’s heart grew three sizes, which did not help the blood-rushing-to-his-head situation, but it was okay. He wrapped an arm around Clint’s shoulders, which made them both swing.

“Buddy – if I was going to have a wedding, I would demand you for my Maid of Honor.”

Clint beamed and enveloped him in a bear hug, which made them both swing even more wildly. “So you’re gonna propose to Spidey!”

“We’ll see,” Wade reassured, trying to calm their swinging by grabbing the computer monitor. “There aren’t, like, lasers and shit in here that are setting off alarms every time we move, right?”

“I don’t think so.”

And then, of course, the sound of alarms wafted towards their ears so they finished up their mission (which Wade was pretty sure didn’t actually require two people).

*~*~*

“When are you going to marry Wade?”

Peter tore his eyes from the very dangerous human traffickers below them to stare at Johnny. “What?”

“You heard me,” Johnny whispered, aggressively. “You’ve been together for forever now. You need to do the right thing.”

“Why are you talking like he’s pregnant?” Peter whispered.

“Don’t you love him?”

Peter’s vision went slightly red. “Excuse me?”

“If you love him, if he’s the one, why don’t you marry him?” Johnny asked, crossing his arms as if he’d won something.

“These people,” Peter gestured to the human traffickers feet below them, “are scary and we should probably not be having this conversation right now.”

“Why are you trying to avoid this?” Johnny demanded, moving closer to him.

Peter scootched away to put a rafter between them. “Why are you being so intense about it?”

“Because I want you to be happy,” Johnny said, “and I want to, like, be your Best Man and shit.”

Johnny looked away, back down at the terrifying criminals they were supposed to be surveilling. Peter scootched back so that they were crouched on the same rafter.

“Best Man?”

Johnny shrugged. “I mean, I know you’ve got a lot of people you could choose from and you probably would rather it was Harry but he’s, you know, dead, so – I think it should be me, but whatever.”

When Johnny was truly irritating the hell out of him, it was moments like this that kept Peter from webbing his friend to the side of a tall building. He bumped Johnny with his shoulder, careful not to dislodge him from the rafter.

“It should definitely be you,” Peter said. “If I had a wedding.”

Johnny didn’t say anything or look up from the human traffickers below, but his expression was decidedly less kicked-puppy-ish. “So propose to Wade.”

Peter rolled his eyes, but before he could reply, one of the human traffickers started vaguely pointing upwards (possibly because he’d heard mysterious voices overhead) and they had to start flaming on and slinging web.

*~*~*

“Are you two secretly married?”

Peter and Wade looked up from the peas they were snapping to stare at May, who was seated across her kitchen table, Barbara beside her. Both women were staring at them, expectantly.

“No,” Peter replied, and May and Barbara both sighed with relief.

“She was afraid you’d eloped or signed papers at the courthouse,” Barbara explained, giving May a fond look that made her blush a little.

“Good heavens you two are cute,” Wade said in a loud whisper.

“You two are also cute,” May said, continuing to snap peas with her I’m-Not-Pressuring-You expression on. “Have you thought about – all that?”

Peter and Wade exchanged a glance. “About how cute we are?” Peter asked.

“I think about it,” Wade admitted, “frequently.”

“About getting married,” Barbara said, giving Peter a look.

“We have not formally, like, thought about or discussed it,” Peter said, and no damnit he was not going to turn bright red he was a grown ass man.

“But we have included it in some of our exciting role-playing games,” Wade shared.

Peter laid his head on the table as May and Barbara giggled merrily into their peas.

*~*~*

“So that was weird, huh?”

“The part where your aunt and her girlfriend asked us if we were going to get married?” Wade asked, hanging both of their jackets in their jacket closet. “Or the part where I mentioned our kinky role-playing to them?”

“The married thing,” Peter said, cutting them both a slice of the yummy marbled cake they’d made the night before, which had turned out much better than expected. “I’ve given up on you not sharing details about our sex lives with our lesbian aunts.”

Wade kissed him on the cheek as they sat down to eat their cake. “I just want to make sure they have plenty of ideas.”

Peter closed his eyes until the mental image of May and Barbara in the throes of kinky role play was banished forever from his synapses.

“But yeah, the married thing,” he continued, “that was – sorry about that.”

“No biggie,” Wade said, feeding him a piece of cake. “You know, Clint recently cornered me about the same thing.”

“That’s creepy,” Peter said, feeding Wade a piece of cake (making sure it had plenty of the crunchy crust on it because that was the best part), “because Johnny just did the same thing to me.”

“Do you think they’re in cahoots?” Wade said, eyes comically big, and he looked so cute that Peter decided not to tease him for sounding like he was in a 30s gangster film.

“I just, I don’t know,” Peter said, eating another piece of cake from Wade’s fork, “I’m super happy. With you. I love our life.”

Wade made the noise that he called a “squoom,” which was a cross between a “squee” and a “coo.”

“Me too, Baby Cakes,” he said as Peter fed him another delightfully crusty piece. “I don’t need a wedding or anything to feel like your #1 Crush.”

“I mean, we’ve both done that whole thing before,” Peter said, thoughtfully chewing his cake. “I just – and this is really, supremely gay what’s about to come out of my mouth, but – I already feel married to you.”

Wade gave him a cakey kiss. “Tony definitely referred to you as my husband the other day, so I think most people assume we’re married. Clint mostly wants to pick out bridesmaid dresses.”

Peter’s ears perked up. “Johnny just wants to be my Best Man.”

Wade’s ears perked up. “Maybe our Aunt Lesbians just want to plan a Supremely Gay Wedding.”

The two of them looked at each other, ears mutually perked up, having a telepathic conversation, as they often did.

Peter thought about sliding off his chair and getting on one knee, but instead he grabbed Wade and yoinked him into his lap.

“Well, whaddaya say, gorgeous?” he asked in his own bad approximation of a 30s gangster voice. “Make me the happiest man alive?”

Wade tittered, daintily. “Oh, this is all so sudden!”

And then they laughed so hard that they collapsed to the ground, arms around each other, and then they rolled around laughing until things inevitably got naughty. They indulged in some Kitchen Floor Sex and nearly forgot to flip their curing bacon before heading out on patrol.

*~*~*

“We cannot let them fuck this up for us.”

Clint nodded seriously at Johnny, who was leaning towards him across his brunch. “And they will try.”

“They will try,” Johnny agreed, “but it won’t work because we’re going to be so fucking organized and have our shit together so hard that even those two ding-dongs won’t be able to ruin this.”

Wade and Peter sighed from the other end of the table. “We’re not going to ruin anything,” Peter assured. “But I am pretty curious about how this is going to work when my Aunt and her girlfriend really want to be involved but they don’t know about my whole – deal.”

“Are you not out to them?” Clint asked, placing a comforting hand on Peter’s arm.

“They don’t know about our super-heroing,” Peter corrected, gently.

“Whoa whoa,” Johnny threw his hands, nearly knocking over their mimosas. “Girlfriend? May? Has one?”

“Yes!” Wade said, endangering their mimosas again with giant jazz hands. “And they’re so goddamn cute and I can’t handle it!”

Peter tried to smile normally at the other patrons of the brunch place as Wade and Johnny squealed incoherently for a moment. He had a feeling this was going to happen a lot over the next week.

“We have to get this done by the time the bacon is cured,” Peter reminded. “Otherwise, we’re all going to get botulism.”

“Then finish your mimosas, bitches,” Johnny said, standing from the table. “We’re going shopping.”

*~*~*

“Dude, I hope this isn’t weird for me to say since you’re, you know, a bride and all, but you have a ridiculously nice ass.”

Wade turned to admire his ass in the tall mirror. The dress did fit him like an ivory-white sausage casing.

“You’re pretty tempting yourself,” he said, reaching over to give Clint a bro-tap on his ass, which nicely filled-out the lavender cocktail dress he had selected.

“I think we’ve found our bridesmaids dress,” Peggy agreed, adjusting Clint’s hem to check the cut. “How is our bride feeling?”

Wade twirled around, admiring the way the fitted dress flared at the bottom. “I feel pretty,” he assessed.

Natasha raised a skeptical eyebrow from her place leaning against the mirror. “Oh so pretty?”

Sigh. Nat was nearly at Peter levels of being able to read his thoughts. “I mean, yes,” he said, pulling at the top of the sleeveless dress, “it’s just –“

“You want princess sleeves,” Clint said simply as he stepped into the lavender pumps Peggy had brought him.

Wade stopped short, flabbergasted. “How do you know these things?” he demanded.

“Dude,” Clint said, giving him a look as he turned expertly in his heels, “if I had a nickel for every time you’ve sent me a picture of a bridal gown with princess sleeves, we wouldn’t need Tony’s credit card to pay for this wedding.”

“Could you show us anything with princess sleeves?” Nat asked the sales clerk, smiling her best cat-like smile.

“Oh, um,” the woman floundered – her crush on Nat was very clearly the size of Texas, and Wade knew if she was hesitating it meant she couldn’t fulfill the request.

“It’s okay,” he said, squashing his disappointment down into his Disappointment Box. “We’re lucky you had anything that came in Beefcake Size.”

“Nonsense,” Peggy said in her most crisp, business-like tone. “All kinds of bodies need wedding dresses – surely you have sleeves for more muscular brides?”

The sales clerk looked from Peggy to Nat to Wade’s large arms. She looked distressed, and Wade felt the spark of hope in his heart flicker out.

“This one is lovely,” he said, running his hands over his satin-covered hips. “My ass looks great, and that’s the only thing Peter cares about.”

“You will have princess sleeves,” Nat said, oblivious to her blushing and bewildered sales clerk friend.

“You will,” Peggy said, unzipping Wade. “Both of you, hang up your dresses and get changed.”

“This is fun,” Clint whispered as they both entered the changing room, and the joy on his friend’s face nearly made up for the Crawly Upsets in Wade’s tummy – he was not good at dealing with being catered to. Maybe this whole bride thing was a shit idea.

*~*~*

That night, Peter was exhausted from suit-shopping with Johnny and May and Barbara. Clint, Nat, and Peggy had taken Wade to a cantina to eat tacos and look at flower arrangements online for the rest of the afternoon, which was very sweet of them, but he still felt Icky when he finally got home. After their nightly patrol, the two of them climbed into bed, indulged in a bit of Exhausted Sex, and fell fast asleep – without turning the bacon.

“I think it’s fine,” Peter said, a hint of panic in his voice as he turned the plastic bags filled with pork and brine. “We’ll just leave it on this side longer.”

Wade was about to ask, for the hundredth time, exactly what botulism was and how it occurred, when there was a knock on their door. After a quick peep in the peephole they opened their door to find their two tallest friends standing awkwardly in their hallway.

“We’re here to kidnap you,” Steve said, sheepishly.

“We’re The Muscle,” Bucky explained.

“What—for what?” Peter sputtered as Bucky sidled into their kitchen and started gently herding the two of them towards Steve.

“Your destination wedding,” Steve said. “C’mon, you guys, Peg wants us at the jet in an hour, and –“

“But the bacon!” Wade said, clinging to a countertop.

“Why do you two smell like dried sweat and sex?” Bucky asked, reeling back from where he’d started to pick Wade up by the legs.

“Because we just had Breakfast Sex,” Peter said, archly, “because we weren’t expecting to be kidnapped!”

“And it’s No Showers Just Fun day,” Wade said, quietly.

“We lived in a tent with five other men,” Steve sighed, “in a war zone, and we had better hygiene than you two.”

“But just as much spontaneous sex,” Peter quipped, giving Wade a high-five.

“Just get them in the car,” Bucky groused, lightly swatting at the happy couple with a spatula. “We’ll clean them up when we get there.”

“Get where?” Peter demanded as Steve closed the door behind them. “Don’t we need to pack?”

*~*~*

One did not need to pack to go to Wakanda, even for a destination wedding.

They hadn’t fully exited the jet before Shuri zapped them with some kind of gizmo that made them both smell like freshly-washed laundry.

Then Wade saw The Dress.

“Wha-?” Wade stammered, barely daring to touch the delicate white material with his fingertips. “How--?”

“What, like it’s hard?” Shuri asked with a grin. “I was going to give it to you as a necklace, but Clint said this would be more festive. But it becomes a necklace, and it’s also a zero-G suit. And there’s a missile system.”

“Does it, um—,“ Wade asked, reverently touching the perfect princess sleeves that had been made for him by an actual princess, “—will it fit me?”

“Of course it fits you,” Shuri laughed.

Wade risked the wrath of the very scary-looking guards standing behind the Princess Scientist Fashion Designer to give her a massive hug. Luckily, the guards only joined her in laughing at the hilarious white people.

“So everyone’s here?” Peter asked as they rode in a magical flying car towards the palace. “Like – everyone?”

“They’re totally fine,” Steve assured him, immediately knowing who Peter was asking about.

“They’re wearing distortion lenses,” Shuri explained. “No recognizable superheroes, just a very weird wedding party in Wakanda.”

“Have they asked any questions,” Peter continued, still a bit anxious, “about how we know the Wakandan royal family?”

“They don’t seem to care,” Bucky grinned, exchanging a glance with Steve. “They’ve been having a blast on Party Level Seventeen with Peggy and Nat and the Dora Milaje.”

Peter placed his hand over Wade’s. Wade interlaced their fingers, and they gazed at each other with somewhat misty eyes.

“This is already the Gayest Wedding Ever,” Wade said, voice thick with emotion, “and I haven’t even put on my dress yet.”

Steve and Bucky gave each other high-fives. Shuri clapped her hands.

*~*~*

“We did it.”

Clint clapped Johnny on the shoulder, pulling him in for a brief bro-hug. “We did, dude.”

“There’s no way they can fuck up the ceremony,” Johnny said, smoothing down Clint’s lavender dress where he mussed it slightly. “T’Challa’s got way too much gravitas.”

Clint sort of wished Johnny hadn’t said that, but he told himself he was being silly. As Johnny escorted him down the aisle, Clint could see everyone was having a great time. Getting ready with the other bridesmaids had been one of the most fun experiences of Clint’s life, and Wade had his princess sleeves. The ceremony would be a piece of cake.

“Today, we celebrate our friends,” T’Challa said in his calming, authoritative voice. “We thank them for letting us celebrate their beautiful love for each other.”

Clint felt himself getting a little misty and found Nat’s hand, giving it a little squeeze. Nat, entirely too badass to cry at a wedding, rolled her eyes but returned the squeeze. He heard a loud sniffle across the aisle and saw Johnny wipe at his eyes before Ben Grimm gave him a mighty thump on the back. May and Barbara were right at the front of the group of their closest friends all standing together, surrounding Peter and Wade, the unspeakably gorgeous Wakandan landscape stretching out around them. It was perfect.

“And now,” T’Challa announced, “I will ask our friends to vow their love to each other in their own words.”

Vows.

Oh shit.

Clint watched Johnny’s entire body seize with panic as he felt his own do the same. They had not thought about vows. They had not pre-approved any vows. Wade and Peter were both pulling folded, crumpled pieces of notebook paper from their outfits and opening them, preparing to read. T’Challa gestured for Peter to go first.

“I come home,” Peter said in a sincere, confident voice, “in the morning light. My mother says, ‘When you gonna live your life right?’ Oh mother dear, we’re not the fortunate ones, and girls – they wanna have fun. Oh, girls just wanna have fun.”

Clint did not need to look at Johnny to know he had put his entire face in his hands. Wade wiped at his eyes with his own crumpled notebook paper.

“Beautiful,” T’Challa approved as Peter smiled, clearly proud of himself. “Wade?”

“Read your vows, babe,” Peter encouraged when Wade hesitated.

“Um,” Wade whispered, which was ridiculous because there was no way every single person gathered couldn’t hear him, “I chose to express myself through visual art.”

Wade unfolded his notebook paper, holding it so that only Peter could see it. Clint was able to catch enough to see that it was a drawing, a stick-figure labeled “Peter,” with a bubble-butt and an impossibly gigantic penis drawn on its body.

“Oh, Wade,” Peter said, placing a hand on his heart even as he used the other hand to shield the drawing from May and Barbara’s eyes.

“And that is enough ceremony, I think,” T’Challa declared, clearly having seen Wade’s artistic vows. “You are now officially married.”

Peter didn’t wait for anyone to say “kiss the bride” before pulling Wade into his arms for a tasteful smooch. Clint sighed as he applauded with the rest of the cheering crowd.

“Everyone please proceed to Party Level Seventeen,” T’Challa announced.

*~*~*

“Were your vows Cyndi Lauper?” May asked as she bounced to She Bop with Barbara.

“I was torn between Cyndi or The Human League,” Peter admitted, bopping with Wade.

“You made the right call,” Barbara complimented. “Kinda makes me want to do the marriage vows thing again.”

Barbara gave May a significant look, and May blushed and giggled. Wade squeed.

“You two should escape,” Sue said as she and Reed danced up next to the happy couple.

Peter and Wade looked at each other. They’d had some exciting over-dress fumbling in the bathroom (which had a disco ball and a bowling alley in it because Wakanda) but they’d assumed they’d need to participate in at least a few hours of reception before they could be alone.

“Are we allowed to do that?” Wade asked.

“You’re allowed to do whatever you want,” Sue said, kissing Wade on the cheek. “It’s your wedding day.”

“Sue and I didn’t even make it to our reception,” Reed shared, his cheeks a healthy pink (Peter had seen Ben coercing him into shots a while ago). “I sent holograms instead, and we went straight to the bridal suite.”

No one noticed Wade and Peter sneak hastily out of Party Level Seventeen. Their friends were having too much fun dancing to a magnificent 80s pop playlist and enjoying each other’s company.

*~*~*

Johnny wolf-whistled as he watched Wade and Peter approach the pool, looking blissfully happy if sleep-deprived.

“Did you two have fun last night?” Clint asked, sipping his heavily-fruited cocktail.

The happy couple nodded, yawning almost in sync. They really were too cute, even if they wrote shitty wedding vows.

“Do you have any questions about the special new things you did together with your bodies?” Johnny asked. He had made the mistake of floating too close to the pool edge, and Peter was able to tap him hard in the middle of the forehead, causing him to shriek, indignantly.

“Kinky bridal play is not unknown territory for us,” Wade informed, grandiosely, “but the dress really took it to the next level.”

“The amazing bridal suite helped, too,” Peter said, grinning as Wade pulled Clint’s float over to give him a gentle kiss on the head. “Thanks for kidnapping us and making us get married.”

“You know,” Johnny said to Clint after the newly-weds had wandered off to find their lesbian aunts at the baseball game on Party Level Seventeen, “we could probably, like, start a wedding-planning business or something, we’re really good at this shit.”

“Sure,” Clint shrugged, sipping his drink. “I don’t know if anybody besides us would truly appreciate our style, though.”

“Then we’ll just take turns making people we know get married,” Johnny decided, cheerfully.

Clint smiled as Johnny floated off to propose to Ben, who was playing laser-tag at the opposite end of the pool (because Wakanda).

*~*~*

“I don’t know if this anise is big enough. Honey, can you look at this anise for me?”

“Looks like a perfect anise to me, Sugar Bear.”

Pepper laughed as Tony banged his forehead repeatedly against Peter and Wade’s kitchen table. “You can’t tell me you expected this to get better.”

“If anything, they’ve gotten worse,” Rhodey observed, poking at the slices of pork belly that they were taking turns slicing.

“Is this a new gigantic piece of pork?” Sam asked over his shoulder as he worked a knife through the thick meat. “What happened to bacon?”

“Well, turns out you have to smoke bacon,” Wade answered as he pushed chopped veggies into a big pot on their stove. “So while we’re figuring out how to do that, we thought we’d make red-braised pork instead.”

“And we found a new farm-to-table butcher!” Peter announced, as enthusiastically as if he was talking about a new car or day spa. “And we bought another side of pork, and now we know that his name was Ricardo and he lived just outside of Saratoga Springs.”

“Next time they lure us here,” Rhodey said, shaking his head, “there is going to be a live pig.”

“Wade, we suck at this,” Tony called, setting down the carving knife.

Wade swooped in and made quick work of slicing up the pork, and the others managed to just mill around with their drinks as an absolutely sinful aroma began coming from the wok Peter was stirring. Soon they were all enjoying yummy, spicy-sweet broth and pork, and even Tony had to admit – it was worth the effort.

**Author's Note:**

> I hope this is fun! So sorry it took forever, and sorry for the lack of updates! I'm actually involved in, like, real-life creative projects and what not these days, which is good, but boy howdy does it cut into my fandom time...
> 
> My poor tumblr is #sensitive now, but I'm still there! crockzilla.tumblr.com


End file.
